This year has been a journey for me, like a long hike up a tall mountain. On the first day of January 2008, I renounced alcohol and that, as Robert Frost once said, has made all the difference… With more money in my pocket and a clearer head, I quickly realized that I needed my own place to live. I accepted guidance in the housing department from my boss / chef the Lord, and I moved into a basement studio outside of Harvard Square. Living by myself has allowed me to get to know myself.
Now its December and I am working towards a strong finish for this transformative year. Steps have been taken to eliminate all the negative substances from my body. I have discovered that the path I need to walk must be separate and apart from all that shit, or I will too easily slide back into the rut of addiction. The only thing I am willing to put into my body is marijuana, and in Massachusetts, in the November election, marijuana was decriminalized. So I ain’t no criminal.
What I am doing for myself sure enough feels right, but the hard work is only beginning. My good friend B told me of a promise she made to Life, one that I want to make publicly so that I’ll never forget it: Life, I’ll never hide from you in fear. What you bring to me may be unpleasant, but I will not break and run from it out of fear. I will accept the unpleasant side of life and not flinch and hold my ground and in doing so will I be better able to appreciate all that is lovely about life on Earth. The promise is made, and my word is my bond.
Whats in store for 2009, besides a new Prez and a new hope for America? After wintertime, when the season swings back to warmer temperatures, I would like to head out on a boat to the middle of the Great Lakes. It would be a spiritual mission to acknowledge the parts of me that have been damaged. You see, I ran away from my problems when I was 17 years old. I went to Chicago because I didn’t know how to cope with my mom and her problems, and didn’t return to the East until she passed away. Even returning, its taken five years to get my mind right. I remember walking down to the water’s edge in Grant Park, out on the rock jetties by the aquarium, staring out into the darkness of Lake Michigan trying to make sense of my life at that point.
With a wiser mind, and a more open heart, I would like to travel to that void to symbolically confront the fear I’ve been running from since I was a child… My mom took me to my first psychologist when I was 8 years old because I was too terrified to sleep alone in my room at night. The psychologist asked me to write down my three biggest fears, and two out of the three were that my mom would die. I still have the piece of paper, but I no longer have a living mother. Its time now for me to reconcile the fear and pain with love and hope, for my future’s sake. Out there, on the inland sea, in the middle of the scars carved out by receding glaciers,
yes I can.
Meow Bear, It’s going to be a strong year to come.
moving.
Re-reading this, makes me want to tack on some lyrics by Neil Young. Other people write better than I do:
From “On the Way Home…”
When the dream came
I held my breath
with my eyes closed
I went insane,
Like a smoke ring
When the wind blows
Now I won’t be back
till later on
If I do come back at all
But you know me,
and I miss you now.
after giving up booze, you had a strange, sweaty-glow-thing happening, that has only recently disappeared. i’m grateful for that.
hmmmm….jynx often has a similar strange glow in his eyes, but due to fur, i don’t know if it’s the same thing. he doesn’t seem sweaty. i’ll investigate further.
FINALS NEXT WEEK AND I’M INVITING MYSELF OVER! GET READY TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT TO OTHER CO-WORKERS. I MAY EVEN ANNOY YOU FURTHER BY STAYING OVER-NIGHT! oh bunches where will we have lunch(es)!