Oysters Love Me

To recap what I understood to be the key to my survival as a shucker- Monday night was my second night and the East Coast Grill did solid 200+ people business, everyone was going retro, right? And I was thinking, if the 69s were now, these clams and oysters would be powering a whole new summer of love. Funk is fat, show some skin, lay it on me.

I used several layers of latex to protex my skin… this morning I wrapped my severe oyster wounds in a couple of fingertip bandaids, secured with a thumb condom. Once I got to the raw bar I used a couple of latex gloves on my right hand to further the thickness of the defense. Then I donned the shucking gloves. My shell was breathable, my knife was sharp… a few Tyson quotes come to mind:

“Oysters and clams, I’m coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat your children. Praise be to Allah!”

“My main objective is to be professional but to kill them [the oysters].”

“I want to rip out their hearts and feed it to them [the oysters]. I want to kill oysters. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children.”

But there was also love Monday night. The couples that came in (conspicuously hetero) and ate at the raw bar were watching my hands closely, and latex is what they saw. Latex straining against the muscles of shellfish, cutting into crevices, killing, and serving up dead bodies on ice… what is more sexy?

In the love inspired words of Brian Wilson (if I could show you, you would never leave it):

“I’m gonna be round my clams & oysters
I’m gonna chow down my clams & oysters
I love you most of all
My favorite oyster

If you brought a big brown bag of them home
I’d jump up and down and hope you’d toss me a crab claw

I’m gonna keep well my clams & oysters
Cart off and sell my clams & oysters
I love you most of all
My favorite oy-star
Oh oh taba oy oy star”

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