Presenting the “Oops, Got Me Naked” Awards part of 3rdarm.biz Look Back @ 2005Way Too Late Tuesday Night
Well here we are at the end of another year, and at this time of the annual its always nice when you’re favorite media sources tally it up and give a bookreport in front of the class on the first complete statistics of the previous year. Thats why this morning we are going to look back at the three separate & unique incidents in 2005 when I was naked in front of other people. In 2005 I maintained the celibacy of a monk, had no sex with no people and no fishsex, the celibacy of a monk. You see, there were in fact only three people who saw me naked in the last twelve months*, and this morning I’d like to award those three each an award, in the form of lively paintbrush portrait.
*3rdarm.biz has major social problems, fears of intimacy & performance, unwilling to tangle with percieved trials & tribulations in percieved gay community, dislikes interpersonal drama, and also because of body of 100 year old man has extreme fear of body exposure (there must be a name for this). But still, sometimes, once in a while, people do catch me naked:
They are naked, too, in order of first in 2005 to see me naked, to last-
I met this girl after dancing all night at the Cantab. We were both behind the plastic shield at the 7-11 hotdog heater, watching the sweating spinning franks. She came back to my house and somehow convinced me to take my clothes off, which I did, falling conveniently asleep as I lost my last sock. She was gone when I woke up in the morning, and I wonder where she went. Maybe back to the hotdog heater to try again.
This girl who lived with us for a summer in our previous, decrepit house on Kinnaird St. attacked me one night in the late spring after I’d had enough scotch for John Candy to share with the Care Bears, and we made out long enough for her to see the label on the bottle, “Sans Penetration.” But she saw my secret 100 year old body naked.
Ok I do love mulatto or mixed race people the most because they always turn out so especially sexy. This boy who came home with me after he karaoke sang, “The Impossible Dream,” saw me naked, but both fell right asleep before even one freaking kiss, way before any freaking. Most dreams don’t last more than one night, but one day I hope I can play him my record of Dione Warwick’s live mashup of ‘Impossible Dream’ with “What the World Needs Now.’
Just because I am turning into Dick Cheney doesn’t mean I’ve totally forgotten how to be romantic. Even Dick Cheney needs love sweet love.