Okay anyone reading this right now must be giddily contemplating the kind of mail I get through the Contact page where I declare myself to be, “Queen of the Fucking Universe,” and/or the physical memory of your father as harvested from your brainstem by shapeless aliens on the beach at the end of a wormhole. The answer is that I get a lot of letters from people all over the world and that I take time to queue them up in a line that I will eventually and progressively deal with by writing back and responding, but first I have to put them up on my website:
phony bologna Sent this from 3rdarm.biz: Ummm, Yeah, aaah, I was wondering, Ummm, did, ahh damn it how do I connect to the internet and run a radio show, get back to me…ah yeah, umm, peace.
Website: http://www.perfect10dancers.com/
So I visited the site, perfect10dancers.com, which seemed innocent enough. I was expecting perhaps gold medal ballroom, but instead got “Rikk is a “triple-threat” in every sense of the word. Part white, black, and hispanic, this smooth young hottie will light your party on fire…” Now I’m wondering if this was a sincere recommendation for my next night out in Muskegon, Michigan, or if perhaps the very mention of “triple threat” is a veiled threat of violence in the form of a decapitation attempt at my 3rdarm.
I got two letters recently from family. The two letters are from my two aunts called Mo. The two Mos were interested in 3rdarm.biz fascination with fishsex, although they approach the topic using different strategies. One Mo wrote;
“I hope that Mo the magic whale is a reference to Moby Dick and not
your aunt who loves you. Also, what in the world attracted you to the
concept of fishsex?”
Well allow me to clear the air. Fishsex is not, in fact, a serious hobby of mine, although I do handle at least seven raw scrods a day and sometimes more. It is more of a way to brand 3rdarm.biz on Google’s search engine. You see, when someone searches for fishsex and they find 3rdarm.biz they will find the most graphic written description of fishsex around. Hopefully that will satisfy their hunger so they don’t get arrested in a public aquarium with their pants around their ankles, and hey, maybe they’ll recommend 3rdarm.biz to a friend. Aquarium visits are also expensive, and 3rdarm.biz is cheap, if you get my drift.
My other Aunt Mo wrote in with less than innocent curiousity, masking the fishsex question in a story about a New York trip, Ed Sullivan Theatre, and by raising the topic of hotdogs:
“…We went by the Ed Sullivan theatre where David Letterman does his show… We saw Biff & several of the camera people & of course Rupert at the deli next door…. From there we journeyed to St. Patrick’s after a stop at the Japanese Dept store. We lit a candle at St. Jude’s altar for you… In the am we had taken the subway to the Papaya King at 86th & 3rd for hot dogs & papaya juice followed by sausage,pepppers & a coconut juice drink. Our hot dogs rested on a layer of their store made coleslaw & could be topped by their special hot mustard…”
My response; in terms of lighting a candle at the St. Jude (the saint of lost causes) altar, the fishsex thing is not a lost cause. In fact, its not even a problem anymore. Like I said, the fishsex thing these days is all aboveboard… I’m only using some of my fishsex writing, which I did back in high school more than four years ago, to generate Google hits and maybe reach a few people. Fishsex people need an outlet. Secondly, to compare fishsex to eating hotdogs or using special hot mustard, thats factually inaccurate. Hot dogs are made out of beef & pork, not fish. Nor is special hot mustard favorable to canola oil.
People at the Papaya King know that, but lets pretend they don’t know.
Just yesterday I recieved a message from “Zander” who may or maynot have stumbled upon my website looking for quality fishsex:
“Why you so muthafuckin’ fly? If you were my daddy and I were an actess what WOULD you say to me? I hope it would be something gangster and profound. Why don’t you try sending me an “instant message?” Excuse me. Or, if that doesn’t work- ’cause the internet’s stupid- try giving me a “phone call.”
One love, A-Mull. Pace!”
As a street attorney I recommend that Zander read Sticky Fishstick Stickin’ XXX; when the effect wears off, write 3rdarm.biz another email. People writing into 3rdarm.biz in the future please understand that I am a busy man who until about a week after the coming solstice is working two jobs. If I put your email into the queue please be patient because the queue will be dealt with because thats my biz.