September 6 2005
Sunshine Biscuit Company invented the famous Cheezit crackers and sold them for decades before being acquired by Keebler’s business elves in 1996. From their mighty tree factory the Keebler elves shoved the Cheezit brand down the collective throats of nations from that point forward. Now, far in the future, we have the new Cheezit, the negative image of the original sunshine bizkit. Last night I had a bout with the new Cheezit, right after midnight. Last night I ate a whole box of the cheesy Midnight Biscuits.
It is the elves’ fault. They twisted the original Cheezit marketing message from, “Peace, Love & Cheese” to a single massive message that takes up the whole back of the new box. The message reads, “Get Your Own Box” and reading it over and over again, my fingers dripping Cheezit grease, I became indignant. Share with my roommates? Screw that! This is MY box! Whatever, I’ll do what I want with MY box. I’ll eat the whole damn thing! Its mine! Mine mine mine! This morning I woke up like a sick seasnake with a bulge in my trunk in the shape of a pile of Cheezits. My face is covered with greasy cheeze zits.
Whatever, I did what I wanted to do with my box, aight?
In many ways the production of the original Cheezit by the Sunshine Biscuit Company and its subsequent sale to Keebler mirrors the new mammalian discoveries on the remote Indonesian island of Borneo. About a hundred years ago when Sunshine Biscuits rolled out the first Cheezits scientists in the Borneo jungle identified a new predatory mammal, the Ferret-Badger. This prestigious badger/ferret lived high in the mountains and ate smaller animals, like most carniverous ferret/badger/badger/ferrets do.
Now in the new century with the release of the new “Get Your Own Box” cheezit we have a new mammal discovered in the Borneo jungles. This time it is a Cat-Fox, in laymans terms a long-tailed sharp-toothed cat/fox/fox/cat/fox/cat, because it has not been scientifically named yet. Last night the animal spirit of the Cat-Fox took over my body and I carniverously devoured a box of Cheezits. Approached in my dreams by a Ferret-Badger, I screamed and clutched my precious. “This is my f&#*#ing box whatever I’ll eat the whole thing I’ll do what I want!!”
