Today, I read all the websites on from my Bookmarks list down, as I do every day to keep Tabs (Energy Drink shoutout) on the ill community, and because I am a person of great routine. But today something I read has halted that automated process and called forth my superconsciousness back to the internet. Like a smoke signal in the sky, I was Batmanned into action in defense of what I call, “Blogbandwidthnicity”!!! Holy blogbandwidthnicity Batman!
C-Bear today [with 3rdarm superconsciousness in these brackets]: “What is this thing called WordPress? [WordPress is a blogging rig and is available free of charge. It has been downloaded hundreds of thousands of times to date. The latest version is 2.0.2. You are looking at it right now.]
It’s been ages, and yes I do not apologize. [Human beings should always apologize.] When someone (such as myself) has a blog, one tends to think that it’s bad not to write all the time. [Blogging is crucial to self-preservation on the internet reality.] Well, I had a reality check while listening to NPR the other day. Some man was talking about the blog revolution.
I forget his name, but for some reason I want to call him Frank Bruni (but that’s just because Frank Bruni is a protoype blogger, entered late in the game stealing ideas and inspiration from my dear friend Arthur)[this is actually True, Frank Bruni is guiltier than an Egg-Sucking Dog of biting my blog ideas]. It’s growing at a higher rate than the population of China. He said, anyone who thinks that someone reads their blog everyday without fail is just self-absorbed and unrealisitic. Well obviously this man doesn’t know me, Art, Ari, or Eliot.[Actually, he might know me.]
Arthur is the captain of blogging in both posting and reading[substitute the word ‘captain’ with ‘Star!’]. The man doesn’t miss a beat, and I think he should be the one giving commentary on the reality of blogs because he knows better than anyone!” [Very well, then, I will begin with a definition of blogbandwidthnicity whilst refracting through the prism of ‘intellectual beef’:]
It is my personal philosophy to try to squeeze as much of my corps through the toothpaste tube onto the keyboard and mouse, so as to really get a lot of girth, heft, gravitas, onto the backspine of the internet as possible. For me, thats “Wheeeee!” For me, to really flex some muscle and push a big part of myself onto the internet is really a bizness deal as well as a spiritual one. For I can get more accomplished and be more efficient if I’m in more than one place at a time. Also, I have three foot wings and can chew through an octopus arm, and I live forever. Thats the spiritual part.
I call this action blogbandwidthnicity, a verb, whose only tricky when conjugated in the plus perfect command form, as well as in pluralization of ‘you’. For examples. I blogbandwidthnicity, he blogbandwidthnicites, they blogbandwidthnicity, you blogbandwidthnicity!, you all blogbandwidthnicitiey!
For real, if I am going to be living out here on the internet ideally I want to roll real heavy with as much extra fatness & girthy sidebags as I can realistically pack with quality. There’s no gravity out here so its just about living large. There’s no greater feeling than statistical competition on a scale where I can say I served more people in one month than that Taco Bell / KFC combination (maybe someday tha’ll be true…) but I’m not microwaving chicken I’m braising my monkfish with my 3rdarm, nahmean kid?
Plus in the past they had me paying thousands of dollars for trainers to teach me basically how to keep writing every day, with an extra special toss of imaginative discussion, but now I have a better way to keep myself writing that is basically free. I would rather pass a short story around the fat globe than around the group discussion that just set me back $300. In the bizness sense pure economics are behind blogging.
Not too mention psychiatry, which also has a spiritual component. Yet another service people pay thousands of dollars for. No doubt dudes got degrees, but the main therapy there is just letting a person open his mouth and jab. If I were a psychiatrist I would take a page from the Dave G playbook, “Get a job, and save it for the blog.” Putting down words has a soothing component, there’s a soothing component there.
“Chermoula! Its a North African condiment!” I shouted into the phone reciever at the hardhearing old lady on the other end. Mr. Schlesinger walked by, paused to listen to the conversation, and said, chuckling, “You’re such an asshole…” Random blip, the superconsciousness, let go, taking hold.