The training has begun. Last night, before jumping into my car and driving down to my family’s place on the coast, I ingested a habanero sausage. Then I went to sleep. Deep in my human body, in the acids of my stomach, the demon awoke. Or, the sausage became the demon. Something happened down there, maybe in the twenty miles of small intestine only reachable by a pill cam on National Geographic Channel. Or perhaps it was amongst the trillion of foreign microbiotic diplomats meeting the sausage, itself an ambassador of future pain. Then again, the most pertinent training may have been when I finally squeezed the habanero sausage back out my rectum.
That occurred at approximately ten o’clock this morning. Just as I expected, the sucker burnt me good. At the time I was reading the Escapes section of the Friday NYT, wishing on that porcelain perch that I could pull off a great escape from whats coming. But I cannot. Like a samurai headed onto the battlefield, to flee the fight is not an option. My honor, and intestinal integrity, are at stake. The best I can do is prepare, and prepare wisely. I have already blogged about what my costume will be for next week’s Hotter Than Hell Nights at the East Coast Grill, also known as the Hell-o-ween 2 Tripleheader. Now I will let you further into my strategy.
The sausage was a crucial first test of my ability to eat lightning, crap thunder, and keep on storming. I did not pass, but like Neo in the flying test, no one passes on the first time. I am calibrating my digestive tract in concert with the other operational systems of my body. Today I lay around like a lump, but Tuesday I will have to get back up and go to work after such ingestion. Lucky for me there are some tricks in my bag: Pepto Bismal chewable tablets, Tums, and of course Immodium Advanced to plug up the furnace. I also plan to mimic the professional chili chompin’ cowboys I have seen on television, and carry cannisters of whipped cream in a holster slung from my waist.
For now all I can do is eat plain, ordinary pasta, and meditate on what it may taste like when mixed with a bolognese sauce made from Bhut Jolokia. That would be this year’s special guest, and the winner of Guiness Book of World Record’s award for hottest chili pepper on the planet. I have held off from tasting the Ghost yet, although I have seen it ravage the body of my friend Brian, the vegan. He never met a vegetable so mean. Yet, while meditating down here with the comfort of my family, I have read an MSNBC article about how the Ghost chili is used in India to actually treat intestinal distress:
The active ingredient in chili peppers is called capsaicin. In pure form, this ingredient registers in at approximately 16 million Scoville heat units The Ghost chili itself registers at 1 million Scoville units. We are approaching purity. Bring me a Haz-Mat suit.
Capsaicin is a highly irritant material requiring proper protective goggles, respirators, and proper hazmat handling procedures. It is hazardous in cases of skin contact (irritant, sensitizer), of eye contact (irritant), of ingestion, of inhalation (lung irritant, lung sensitizer). Severe over-exposure can result in death.[9] Painful exposures to capsaicin-containing peppers are among the most common plant-related exposures presented to poison centers.[10] They cause burning or stinging pain to the skin, and if ingested in large amounts by adults or small amounts by children, can produce nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, and burning diarrhea.[10] Eye exposure produces intense tearing, pain, conjunctivitis, and blepharospasm.[10]
Alright, chilly ingestion or not, you can’t copy and paste from Wikipedia and then not take out the references! Yes, I am talking about e.g., [10] – this is not value for money 3rdarm. I demand quality control! Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!
jeebus art, be careful with the heat. last thing we need is a flaming 3rdarm.
😉