A friend gave me a hamburger that she, and the package it came in, promised would grow 600% larger in water. The packaging was thrown out as soon as I ripped into it, so I had no idea how long this is supposed to take. For my aunt and grandma’s amusement, I started the experiment Saturday afternoon. Musical accompaniment was in order, so I chose a polka by Frankie Yankovic & His Yanks titled, “Just Because.” Nothing happens, so I am going to leave the hamburger down in CT for a week. When I come back, it will be my new bed pillow. Otherwise, I’m going to kick that burger’s ass:
The lyrics to the polka explain why the burger won’t grow: Just because, because, because! Although I love meat, I doubt I will be referring to a burger as my “old Santa Claus.” Who knows?
“Well, well, well,
Just because you think you’re so pretty,
And just because your momma thinks you’re hot,
Well, just because you think you’ve got something
That no other girl has got,
You’ve caused me to spend all my money.
You laughed and called me old Santa Claus.
Well, I’m telling you,
Baby, I’m through with you.
Because, well well, just because.
You’ve caused me to lose all my women
And now, now you say we are through.
Well, I’m telling you
Baby, I was through with you
A long long time ago.”
Basically, the Burger won’t grow because it’s a symbolic protest of the Universe with the message that consumption of pigs and cows and other beasts has to go down, not up. That’s how I read it at least.
i wanna chill w/your aunt. when are WE going to conn-et-i-cunt?