Pasta From Hell Consent Form

On the menu for Hell Night, at the East Coast Grill, there is one dish called the Pasta From Hell. It is the most serious of peppery dishes, requiring the customer to sign a consent form that waives liability to the restaurant for what happens. The owner has asked that I rewrite the consent form so that it is updated to reflect the intensified caliber of this year’s pasta, which contains no less than the hottest pepper in the world. I decided to do this right here, on my website, and then print it out at work. Here we go:

This year our Pasta from Hell dish is made with a special ingredient, called the Naga Jolokia pepper. This is the hottest pepper in the world, clocking in at over 1 million Scoville units. In India this pepper is used by the police in pepper spray, so obviously the Grill requires a stronger consent form.

I am signing this official, legal document to waive ownership of my culo, to put a lien on said culo, turning culo in question over to the head chefs of the Grill. I will take no legal action against the Grill even if my hair catches on fire like Michael Jackson’s did while he filmed the Pepsi Commercial. Even if my nipples get hard and stay hard for days. Even if I yell out, “Don’t taze me bro,” this document is proof and a living testament that I did want to get tazed very hard.

This consent form doubles as a ticket to board the pain train, and I am signing under my own free will in order to acquire one ticket to said train. In addition, through my signature I am also agreeing to a set of conditions put forth by the Grill so as to deflect indirect liabilities: I will not go swimming for 24 hours. I will not board an airplane or fly out of the country until I have completely digested this Pasta, unless I pay for at least two seats on that airplane. If I have to work in the AM the day after eating the dish, I promise I will wear my “party pants.”

Because of the nature of single use lavatories, the Grill cannot guarantee that there will not be a line at any time to use the lavatory. The Grill offers an antidote but cannot guarantee privacy in the administration of said antidote. The Grill offers Wetnaps, and free high fives, but does not condone the eating of Naga Jolokia pepper. Its really more effective in pepper spray.

Basically, I am declaring, through signing, that I “know my limits.” So help me Jeebus, or whatever. Please report all erections lasting longer than 48 hours.

Signed, the honorable,
YOUR NAME HERE