He’s Crafty

I went to Joann’s Fabrics today. Not that I wasn’t busy anyways, what with chauffeuring my temporarily one-eyed aunt to the doctor to have her pirate patch removed following yesterday’s conclusive cataract surgery. After that morning visit to the doctor my aunt and I went shopping together and she bought me a Christmas present of an amazing Coogi track jacket in silky material of many colors. I was a bit surprised that the double XL fit on me, to say the least, but then only big boys rock Coogi anyways. I also purchased for myself a conservative green sweater for my hosting shifts. After shopping we went to Lenny and Joe’s and she had the crab roll and I had fried shrimp and scallops. Both came with fries and slaw.

Therefore it wasn’t until later in the afternoon, on a separate solo mission while my one-eyed aunty napped, that I moseyed down I-95 to Joann’s Fabrics to pick up crafting supplies. By the way, what a fucking clusterfuck Joann’s Fabrics is on a Friday afternoon when only two employees are holding down the whole store. Old ladies running amuck amidst aisles of crafting supplies and obviously, fabrics. There was also the disturbing presence of many smelly, yelling children. Or should I say it was my presence causing the disturbance. One mother saw me limping through the store and yelled at her kids to stay close by, “Because its not safe in the store.” Just cause I’m of hoodlum age and have a limp leg and dogfur ghetto jacket doesn’t mean I can’t craft, too.

In the end, I was able to purchase the supplies needed to make all my holiday gifts. You see, I had this brainstorm shortly after I cut my hair that I would take the saved hair, which I’ve kept in a brown paper sack in the garage, and glue tufts of it to popsickle sticks for use as bookmarks. It seemed like a fast, effective way to spread my seed around… in the hope that hundreds of years in the future I may be cloned from the DNA found in hair follicles on a silly popsickle stick bookmark. At the very least, it would creep everyone out who got one. Or maybe not: hopefully, people would be excited to get some of my previously luscious locks on a stick. Did I mention that I shampooed and conditioned with Worthington right before I lopped it all off?

This blog post, in addition to letting you readers who have stuck around for the hectic holiday month of December in on what I’ve been up to other than blogging (mainly creepy stuff), is also intended to build massive demand amongst my close friends for these hair stick bookmarks. If you want one, and you’re reading this, you’re probably going to get two. I’ve already made a bunch. But if, from me for the holiday gift, you want a personalized popsickle stick bookmark, my hair attached, with a particular saying of mine, or with a drawing of your favorite animal, like a pony, please leave me a comment and tell me how you’d like it. If you need me to, I’ll mail it along in a letter. Just let me know, I’ll have the supplies up at my house in Somerville.

Also, in the future, if you suck all the hair off your bookmark, I promise to replace the hair… Just mail it back to me with a self-addressed envelope, and you will get a re-haired bookmark. If I run out of hair in my paper sack, I’ll simply shave the thick black hairs off of my massive birthmark and use those. Season’s greetings.