The Return of Bizarro Art

Back in the day when I was a freshman in high school I was plagued by Bizarro Art syndrome. The perpetrator was a man named William William Williams, and he was the exact opposite, physically, spiritually, and mentally, of everything I was reppin’. He wore glasses, I didn’t. He was three years older than me. Also, he wore plaid shirts with buttons, and made jokes about ranching porcupines. I wore sweater vests and told monologues based on the observational humor of Jerry Seinfeld. Also, he played a horn in the band and I was trained on violin in the orchestra. And that’s the tip of the iceberg. It was so obvious that we were polar opposites that the magnetic fields pushed us against opposing lockers when we happened to pass in the hallways. You see, I knew so thoroughly what I was reppin’, but I had no idea who I was. William William Williams had no idea about reppin’, clearly, but the man knew all about himself. It was a source of my adolescent frustration, for sure.

Back in those days I used to ride to English class with mah man Schwartz, because he held the power of the schwartz. Our teacher was Ms. Moberly, who took a leave of absence halfway through freshman year to drop a baby into a birthing tub, and finish her epic poem, Benediction… the finished copy, after 10 years of labor mixed in with some 9 months of additional labor & the birthing tub, contained the line, “Pulling many multi-colored fish out the ground with my hands…” That is all I remember now. Anyway, this is Schwartz here, the first proprietor of, which he later sold for large G’s: schwartz rocking it large on

Tonight Schwartz gave me royal shivers with the following conversation-

schwartz (11:24:33 PM): yo
schwartz (11:24:38 PM): bizarro art is on
arthur (11:24:54 PM): what the hell is that?
schwartz (11:25:00 PM): a shoutcast server
arthur (11:25:01 PM): im listening to my own shoutcast right now
schwartz (11:25:04 PM): trinity college radio
arthur (11:25:09 PM):
schwartz (11:25:13 PM): oh man
schwartz (11:25:19 PM): choices
schwartz (11:25:23 PM): art or bizarro art
schwartz (11:25:36 PM): nah bizarro art is about to blow up
—– arthur silence —–

schwartz (11:37:03 PM): yo you are missing he is ripping it

Okay so now I have to deal with all this paranoid bugged-out Bizarro Art is better than me because he is my opposite shit. God damn it. When I asked schwartz if I could include him in this study of my psychological weakness, he said, “Include my fascination with backgammon, a most underrated board game. Yet once you master it, its genius. Gotta get inside the head of your opposition.” Mebbe I start practicing now, and in 4 more years i can beat Bizarro Art.

Let the schwartz be with you, always.

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