Short Track Olympic Speed Skating in High Definition

I’ve been reading about online dating in Shebrew Magazine (in addition to how to get ready in the morning in ten insane minutes or less) and the sharksuit snakeoil supposed “science” behind pairing people in the Atlantic Monthly.

Online dating is a wild journey, but in fact the first time I ever went out on a real formal date, with a parent driving us to a movie (“Holy Man” with Eddie Murphy at Showcase Cinemas Buckland (?) Hills), it was because she saw my America Online profile and asked me to go with her to the movie. Her dad drove the car and he was a furry man with a thick mustache all like a football helmut of hair. The girl had crazy braces, so we didn’t hit it off on the attraction thing is I guess what you could say. But we did both have a sense of humor.

Which I guess is where Eddie Murphy figures into that whole affair. But wait, the real comedian was her dad with the helmut hair. After the movie he picked us up in the family van and we were off to my house so I could be dropped off. He was in front seat with his mustache & hair exactly like a furry football helmut of hair in the front seat and Carolyn and I were in the back seat and he kept asking about the movie using the word “holy” in his questions over and over in an effort at the comedic form “repetition”:

“Were than any animals in the movie?” he prodded from the front seat. “Any holy cows?” Her dad was absolutely shouting this, and I was 14 years old. The girl, Carolyn, giggled wildly.

“Did they go anywhere in the movie? Did they pay a visit to ole holy Toledo?” Heeheehee giggled Carolyn and the ole helmut was just gonna keep on asking these inane “clever” questions until we got all the way back from Manchester to my house. SO because as a fat child I often had trouble keeping a lid on my mouth, I piped up:

“I think I ate to much popcorn * Reeses Pieces, I need to take a holy-crap.” And that really gave the Man with the Wooly Football Helmut of Hair covering over 60% of his head a sense of urgency. I was home in five minutes, and I didn’t even have to poop. I was just trying to be funny. I never talked to Carolyn again and have not been online dating at all until now that I’ve posted my profile, and so its interesting and kind of new. I will probably be as over it as I am myspace.com (myspace.com/3rdarm) in about one minute.

I was watching the Olympics all night while dealing with this online dating crap in high definition on my aunts flat hdtv. The events themselves, like short track speed skating and moguls, look exhillerating but the interviews with Bob Costas in an armchair pulled up to the most CRISP flickering fire in history wearing some blue-grey sweater… thats when the going gets weird. Now I’m over onto some SERIOUS CSPAN 2 with INTENSE debate on the floor of the house or representatives with Google personnel in the room about how to deal with bizness in China.