A friend of mine once told me that only a fool would order any kind of espresso drink from Dunkin’ Donuts, but I was never quite deterred. There is a soft spot in my stomach’s heart for cheap espresso, especially of the “mocha” variety. A few years ago, Dunkin’s had a machine dedicated to delivering just such a scrumptious beverage which they called the “Dunkachino.” That was one of my favorite espresso drinks of all time. It was hot, sweet, and reliable: The employees needed only to press a button that correlated to the size of ‘Chino and the exact concoction could be counted on.
I know this because I saw the machines in use, and then I saw them taken away to make room for exotic new beverages like the, “White Hot Chocolate.” I have no idea why the Dunkachino, or the White Hot Chocolate drinks need dedicated machines, but if I had to guess I would have to make some kind of guilty connection between the English language skills of many Dunkin’ employees and the fast paced nature of a volume business.
Although I drank it down while crammed knees to neck in the jump seat of a small-size pick-up truck, on the highway in the rain, with the back window open and water pouring in on me, to my Dunkin’ deadened tastebuds the White Hot Chocolate tastes exactly like liquid bird shit. Probably the shit of a pigeon that lives behind a Dunkin’ Donuts, to be super-precise, because of the ultra-high sugar content. Sugar can be a force multiplier in a good Dunkin’ Donuts drink, but as the White Hot Chocolate contains zero caffeine (which is insane for any drink served at Dunkin’ Donuts), the sugar is simply sickening.
While America may very well run on Dunkin’s, at least on the Northeast, Americans would do well to run away from the White Hot Chocolate. Maybe removing the Dunkachino machine and replacing it with White Hot Chocolate was a cost saving move: Dunkin’ Donuts knows flocks of pigeons feed out the dumpsters teeming with days-old bagels and pastries. In a tip of the hat to Al Gore and the environment perhaps they are now recycling all the white liquid bird shit those pigeons produce into White Hot Chocolate, using some sort of rooftop receptacle. Do I sound bitter? The Dunkachino was bitter; oh delicious blend of espresso and real chocolate.
Replacing it with the White Hot Chocolate was not so sweet. For now, when I want the employees at Dunkin’ Donuts to make me a drink similar to the Dunkachino it involves engaging those occasionally limited English language skills in a complicated and arduous conversation that lead to very mixed results. Sometimes I get half black coffee, half hot cocoa, with some cream and sugar. I think that most Dunkin’ Donuts call this a “mocha regular.” Other times I get a cup of coco with one shot of espresso. Experience has lead me to believe that most locations call this drink a “mocha latte.” For a period of months, I felt pretty confident with the beverage I’d receive ordering a mocha latte.
Then something happened that forever changed my outlook on mocha lattes in particular, and Dunkin’ Donuts in general. I was driving down the highway between Boston and New Haven late at night after my shift, on the way to visit family, when I stopped off for a sweet chocolate espresso from good old Dunkin’ Donuts. The restaurant in question was located in a shopping plaza somewhere in Connecticut, and it was well-lit but deserted. I pulled into the drive-thru lane, and into the mouthpiece confidently ordered a “mocha latte.” The disconnected male voice on the other end of the microphone repeated back to me, “Cocoa latte?” Thus trouble ensued.
No, I replied, I was interested in a mocha latte, and because there were no other cars in the lane, or indeed customers in the restaurant, I took the time to describe the correct ingredients and even the procedure I pictured in my head the young man would carry out. “Okay,” said the young man, “A cocoa latte. Please drive up.” At the window I looked in and saw that he was frantically searching around for something. As most of Dunkin’ Donuts drink-making is pretty well automated, I was confused, and made the “open the window motion” made famous by the television advertisement for Grey Poupon. When he opened the window, in a decibel level oft-used by officers of the law upon a pull-over, I asked the young sir if he was having any trouble.
“I’m sorry man, but I can’t find the cocoa.” I told him to take his time. After many minutes of reading labels, and going from machine to machine, he found a large plastic container with a pump top that even I could read from the drive-thru window labeled, “Mocha.” Into the paper espresso cup I watched him pump and pump; way too many pumps, and my fear enveloped the whole car. But he wasn’t done yet. No, then he disappeared for a full five more minutes, completely out of my view, before finally appearing, now sweaty and exuberant, with my beverage.
Thanking him, even going so far as to say “no worries” about the time elapsed, I drove off. What I wanted to believe was that he was simply a new employee. Probably the young man had to call up his assistant manager to ask for instructions on how to turn on the latte machine, or something similar. I sniffed the mocha latte, and then sipped. Very high level of chocolate intensity, but I thought that some espresso could be detected. I drank it down and it was steaming hot and super sweet. But then at the bottom of the cup I discovered a primordial ooze that was pure mocha pump.
I know now that its not a good idea to throw a lidless cup of any beverage out the window of speeding car. The wind whipped the coca latte all over the side of my white car. The effect of which was like a giant smear of shit that didn’t come off until days later when I used a gas station squeegee to scrub it off. While doing so I imagined I was like a peep show booth cleaner. Regardless, now when I go to Dunkin’ Donuts I only order regular coffee.
wild bear, feral bear
Much too much information…
The entire Dennis Clan has long feared Conn., but perhaps there are aspects of the state that warrent further investigation… Have you considered trying to obtain one of the discarded Dunkachino machines??
Nirvana.
Did Adam show you the lovely matching workout shirts that I thoughtfully sent for the three of you?? I expect to see a photo soon to alleviate those January doldrums!
Adam’s Mother
Oh man… you didn’t actually PAY for that jizz-laden beverage after that long wait, didja??
OH!
Remember to watch 60 Minutes tomorrow night after the Pats game to see Steve Kroft do his Whitey B. 13 Years Later segment… saw him in front of the old Marshall Street garage/bookie den/shooting gallery/paper stacking room/torture chamber with the CBS camera crew poking around and actually going door-to-door asking the old folks if they ever say “anything unusual” when the Bulge and the crew were “fixing cars”!
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