A longish day. I cleaned out the coins from the car, a three year collection in my center console containing twenty five dollars worth, mostly pennies. The money went to pay for a half dozen cupcakes, which I brought to my review at work. The cupcakes were for my general manager Eric, Chris the owner, and the chefs. My strategy was that they couldn’t possibly yell at me with their mouths full of cupcake. It worked, but my guilty conscience denied me a totally smooth review. While they ate the cupcakes I compulsively brought up everything I have done wrong in recent memory. I did their work for them. Chris wrote, in summary, “Arthur is one of our top employees but has to watch his temper and not yell at his bosses, chefs, and owner.”
In the afternoon my friends Jess and Alexa accompanied me to West Springfield. We went to the Big E, the East Coast’s largest fair. I used to go every year with my dad but haven’t been in over a decade. My friend from growing up, Timmy C, was working at the Little Taste of Texas, between the Connecticut and New Hampshire buildings. He lives in St. Thomas most of the year, so its rare that I get to see him. We ate at the Little Taste first, and I caught up with Tim and his amazing hair. It was an awesome start to the fair. The three of us moved on and ate our way through the states’ buildings. Towards the last one, Rhode Island, I commented to Jess and Alexa that I felt like my dad was nearby.
Five minutes, a stuffed quahog and a bizmark later, the three of us are crossing a parade and I see my dad and Aunt Maureen on the steps of the New England Grange. We spent the rest of the day with them, which brought on many flashbacks from my youth. I remembered the year my dad became obsessed with umbrella hats, and ran around buying as many as possible. Or the unusual, years long business relationship I maintained with a Russian who collected memorabilia from the cosmonauts and the Russian space program. Mostly the memories that flooded my brain while spending the day at the Big E with my dad were food-related… the crushing load of calories one intakes on a day long binge.
I am convinced that I ate more than my dad… and more than Jess and Alexa put together. Here is a list of what I ate at the Big E (calorie counts are mostly guesses)…
2 Arnold Palmer 1/2 and 1/2 with Green Tea (300 calories)
Brisket chili (500 calories)
Apple pie with cheddar cheese (500 calories)
2 oz. maple sugar candy (200 calories)
Lobster roll (300 calories)
Finnish pancake (300 calories)
Baked stuffed quahog (300 calories)
Bizmark (500 calories)
Kettle corn popcorn – all day (800 calories)
Fried mushrooms (200 calories)
Perogie (100 calories)
2 foot long mega corn dog (at least 1000 calories)
Fried dough (100 calories)
Cheeseburger from White Hut (500 calories)
Soft serve ice cream (200 calories)
For a grand total, not including the bagel with (reduced fat) cream cheese I had for breakfast, that banana cream cupcake at my review, or the numerous (diet) colas throughout the day, of… 5800 calories. BURRRPPP…
Snorky! You are the best lamb!
You are like a fevered bear about to hit hibernation. But the modern times have caught up to you and you will winter in moderate climes and not hibernate at all. So cool it with the fried food, oh 3rdarm! Your readers may seek to emulate you, the ultimate lamb, and be torn downwards by their bowling ball belly bursting with bad bulk.
a lobster roll has waaaaaaaay more than 300 calories buddy–the mayo and bun alone are at least 300 calories… just sayin.
Cry blood for the people of Chicago. Forget Rio De Janeiro!
I’m sure fried dough has way more than a hundred calories as well.
This is the most controversy my blog has stirred up in a while! When I say that my daily caloric intake is approximately 6000 calories everyone wants to tell me its more! I think you all know me too well… And you’re probably right.
In defense of the calorie counts I used, I was trying to estimate based on the size of the portion I consumed. I only ate half a small lobster roll. Its probably still more than 300 calories. And I only had a few bites of fried dough. Again, almost definitely more than 100 calories.
I’M just sayin. Real talk.