Fever Sweats, Diarrhea, & a Drum-Belly that Goes “Bump” in the Night

Last night I was able to leave work early, albeit with only $20. to my name, because the business was slow and we had overstaffed servers at the East Coast Grill. And so I walked down Cambridge st. to the Indian Grocery Store to rent a movie and decided on the DVD version of “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.” Also, I bought a 12-pack of Diet Coke. Then I went home.

I was just chilling on the computer hanging out and feeling fine about not working when I realized I hadn’t eaten since much earlier in the afternoon. The stomach in my body was calling out for something so I decided to make a couple phone calls.. First I called up Taco Bell/KFC right down the street from me. They picked up and told me that they were already closed. I think the only times I have ever gotten a human being to pick up the phone at the KFC/ Taco Bell Combo has been when they are already closed. “Ya, we’re already closed.” Alrighty then.

Aram’s Pizza was out of the question because the man was on vacation, as noticed by both his answering machine message and a note on the door to his establishment. It was getting to be after 10PM and I realized that my options had been narrowed down to either Anna’s Taqueria (@ MIT closes daily at midnight) or Boca Grande (out on Mass. Ave. between Harvard & Porter squares, closes at 10:30PM). My roommate said he’d like to come along with me as he was starving as well, and so together we made the very well intentioned decision to go to Anna’s @ MIT because it stays open later and we didn’t want to bother the Boca boys as they broke down & cleaned their kitchen.

I ordered up a Steak Super burrito and a mini-quesadilla with chicken. Specifically, I remember the burrito-man asking me what else I wanted on it. I asked him what he thought was good, which he didn’t understand the English of, so another dude came over and told him to put on salsa, lettuce & hot sauce. Hot habanero sauce, which now, 24 hours later, I feel I have a deep & genuine allergy to.

After eating we drove back to the crib and my roommate went to sleep and I stayed up to watch “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.” My stomach had expanded to the point where I could have been pregnant. It had gotten tight like a drum and distended. I tried not to move from the couch I was on and let Mos Def & others interstellar performances amuse me, distract me from my stomach pain. When the movie was finished, I went to bed upstairs.

Two or three hours after I went to bed I was woken up by the strange bear-growling noises coming from my fiery intestines. I jumped up and attempted to run to the bathroom but it was too late, what it was had already arrived in my mouth, and I projectile vomitted all over the door to my room as well as my rug and some clothes. It was so damn horrible. I escaped my bedroom and the nastiness (anybody got the # for an exorcist?) and made it to the toilet, where every last drop of everything was forced out of my body.

Still in so much pain it took me more than an hour to clean up, even to just basically sop up everything. And then I had to take a shower. And then shit. Then I went back to bed drinking water & diet coke. Then I was up again throwing up and shitting. All of which I think are strong bright-line indicators that my intestines & habanero/scotch bonnet pepper juices don’t mix. My intestines are very special & sensitive and I’ll be damned if another bite of that vile bubbling acid poison ever comes back to my bowels.

Today, the day after, I feel like crap. I am cold, shaky, trying to rehydrate myself but scared, crapping my pants and peeing on my legs. I am a mess today. And I’m not too happy about it either.