Meta Biz (Or, How I got to be ‘the World’s Greatest Detective’)

I think that the number one problem with my website is one that can only be glimpsed through the meta prism. Honestly, I don’t know if 3rdarm.biz is here to serve a disambiguating purpose or an ambiguating one, in terms of my life, but I do know that when I do stray from the thread of my day to day I want to be talking (writing gimping bizamping) on the meta level. The world that we live in is far too complex for any webmaster to make sense of, so I feel I have to relay subtle shifts in direction of the smoke wafting from the tip of my peace pipe, and relay those tips to you.

I often discuss how I am a street attorney, but I did not have that in mind for my future when I was younger. In retrospect, sure, the Future Problem Solving, the training I recieved in peer mediation, dealing with the grizzly energy of my parents divorce, all that and more were part of the circumstances that landed me where I’m at. But when I was really small, I wanted to be a neighborhood ice cream truck driver. I don’t tell many people about that but its true.

Take a slice of my development: at night time balancing time attention and love between my mom and dad; going to school and copying most of my homework assignments in homeroom; doing the morning announcements under the moniker ‘Artman in the Morning’; changing for gym class in the stall because I didn’t want other boys to see my flab; taken out of class to mediate a fight between notorious gangsters in room with a bare bulb hanging and me seated between them at a steel table; in the afternoon exploring possible future calamities and potential solutions or ways around those problems; getting home from school and trying so hard to crack the secret of masturbation; terrified to be by myself finally doze off on the couch. That was only a typical day in middle school.

In high school I had to deal with loss of 100 pounds, one parent suffering from progressive alchohol abuse and another suffering from progressive religious dementia, captaining the b team (in math league) and a part time job delivering prescriptions to people too ill to get them for themselves, though thank god I had finally mastered the secrets of masturbation. Nobody said its easy, but I do know that somewhere in there I lost my dream to be an ice cream truck driver. Isn’t it tragic?

Point of the matter is there is just too much to talk about in single post about being a street attorney, and its difficult when people ask me what it means to be one. The real test of me being one (a street attorney) came when I moved to chicago at age 18 and really hit the street. But the formative years I think played a bigger role, because in that time I had to give up the idea of being a jolly neighborhood ice cream truck driver and in detaching myself from that I jumped into the river of reality. And I was conscious and my eyes were open when I jumped in and I did it on purpose and I don’t regret it. No one can control the river because it is more than us, more mass & greater force, but I am empty of fear and doubt about losing my dream and jumping in it.

Now if you are trying to understand me and what I am doing here on the internet I am trying to give you some straight talk about the set of circumstances that brought me here… to get another perspective take a look at how I currently operate in reality. I am a kind of social anti-social person. I love being around people and helping them with their shit but I like to keep mine separate. Its not that I don’t realize that this ‘trouble with intimacy’ is a common feature of adults who were raised by alchoholic parents but I know it makes me a good street attorney.

But I cannot explain away why I don’t answer my phone, or develop new friendships, try harder to be intimate with people, or pay off my one semester of college debt… and so I’m just trying to be candid about who I am, and thats who I am. For those with more questions please go watch the excellent movie ‘Zero Effect’ starring Ben Stiller (playing Steve Arlo) and Bill Pullman (playing Daryl Zero), from which the following quotes were taken:

Steve Arlo: [talking about his employer, Daryl Zero] I’m telling you he never even leaves the house, okay. I mean he’s like some sort of recluse. A complete freak. No social life. In fact, no social skills. It’s a strange fucking thing. When he’s working, the smoothest operator you’ve ever seen. Brave, slick, cunning, he can do anything. Soon as he gets off work, it’s all gone. Afraid to go to the dry cleaners. Literally. Too uncomfortable in his own skin to go out and eat. Tactless and inept. Rude too. Just an asshole.

…

Daryl Zero: Now, a few words on looking for things. When you go looking for something specific, your chances of finding it are very bad. Because of all the things in the world, you’re only looking for one of them. When you go looking for anything at all, your chances of finding it are very good. Because of all the things in the world, you’re sure to find some of them.
…
Steve Arlo: Why are we talking on the phone?
Daryl Zero: I told you. We can’t be too careful. Two guys in an airport… talking? It’s a little fishy.
…
Steve Arlo: There aren’t evil guys and innocent guys. It’s just… It’s just… It’s just a bunch of guys.
…
Daryl Zero: You’re watching whales? Fuck the whales.